Once…

"To sleep-- perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub"

“To sleep– perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub”

Once, there was a dreamer who had the biggest dream that anyone could ever imagine. A dream to be the savior of her Kin and save her family from poverty and the wicked tongues of those who would see them suffer. Of course, dreams do come true, but it would take a lot more than dreaming, wishing and hoping to make one like this see reality. Yes, she would have to suffer a great deal of judgment, bad mind of others and maybe even be taken advantage of before she could see her dream come true.

Courage and goals are what the young dreamer was lacking. Without goals how can she come up with a plan? And without a plan, her dream would remain for another day what it was… A mere dream… A simple wish upon the stars… It was either laziness or lack of courage that had the young girl procrastinating, maybe even both and if so, oh boy, what a deadly combination. However, she knew she had to change. She knew she had to stop lying around and waiting for a miracle to happen.

Things needed to change and it had to start with her attitude towards the situation at hand… that being her life.

I felt like I was literally disintegrating from the inside. I wanted to scream and I had no idea why. Oh. I remember this. I never researched it but I’m pretty sure that this is what an anxiety attack feels like. Or is it my breakdown? No. I think I would know, without a doubt, if that was happening, as would everyone in this house. No, this was not my fated, hell concocted breakdown that, I think, is very inevitable. I can’t explain it and I don’t have… LIES! I’m pretty sure that I know exactly (well I think I do) why I am feeling breathless and like punching my fist into a wall or something. I feel like I want to scream and cry out everything that is in me. I’m feeling it even as I write this… like screaming…

I’ve felt, for a while now, that at this age I should be doing more with my life and even have accomplished more than I have, which is nothing! Okay, that’s a total lie. I have taken one step closer to my acting career having auditioned, rehearsed and performed with the most amazing cast mates ever. Also, I’ve been doing extremely well in school so far and I even made it to the Dean’s List one semester! That is way more than I’ve ever seen myself accomplishing where school is concerned given the past I had with my college experience back home. I must say, I’m extremely proud of myself in both achievements. But, obviously, that is not enough for my peace of mind. How could it be? I’m sitting here watching everyone that I’ve graduating from high school and college with graduate from their universities with their bachelors, have jobs, their own apartments, going out to clubs, building experiences and new, long- lasting bonds with great people, enjoying life as a young adult should do. Meanwhile, I’m here home bound, friendless, battling my controlling and paranoid relatives for whom (for no damn reason at all!)  I am trying to live to please, already in debt in this foreign country and still only half way towards earning an Associate’s Degree. Yes! How could making an audition, performing a few times and making the Dean’s List ONCE be enough for my peace of mind?

Oh here comes the self-pity train… Well I don’t think it’s self pity… I just have a lot to complain about unfortunately… and with good reason too… I think. The universe without a fucking doubt (hands down!) has the most fucked up map for my journey to my happily ever after. I’m about fed up that I’m not more serious about owning my destiny. How dare I sit here and blame the universe for the delay or straight up rejections I’ve been getting at every door that I knock on? Maybe I need to apply myself more… maybe be more aggressive? I don’t fucking know. I do know that it’s all on me… right?

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